Funny Poems, Short Stories and Animation
There are many crazy old men but there was one in particular who thought he was a pirate and everyday he would wander the fields by the woods behind his house. Everyday he would find nothing. Everyday for fifty years. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Not over here or over there, or below the old tree stump or underneath that funny bump in the ground. Nor did he find any great riches buried beneath the hedgerow or underneath the tramp who slept in the hedgerow. In fact the closest he ever got to finding treasure was when a bench was installed in the field. The people sat on it were not too impressed when he scooped the loose change out of their pockets.
To put it simply there may have been better fields, more treasure-filled fields, but there weren't any others he cared about. The old man was attached to his field and as he got older and crazier he found it harder to let it go. Everyday he would grumble to himself, throw down his metal detector, and sit all grumpy and grizzled on the bench. The bench offered a spectacular view over the surrounding countryside, but the old man would only ever look at the ground.
He had no family, he had no job, he had no friends, he didn't have a lot really. Oh sure he had all the little trinkets he had collected over the years. An impressive number of bottle caps (which if truth be told were all his. He would drop them, forget them, and then find them years later) plenty of old pottery (which he might not have been so proud of if he'd known they'd once been part of someone's toilet) and a piece of metal which may or may not have been the sceptre of an ancient king (but in reality was actually part of a washing machine). It wasn't a lot to show for a life, but the old man was convinced there was treasure to be found there.
It all started when he was a child and he would go out and play in the fields with his friends. Now when the old man was a little young man he was obsessed with pirates. He would read pirate stories, dress up as a pirate, everything he said he said and still said in a pirate voice. It was fun for everyone at first but when he couldn't find any real treasure he started to steal from his friends and make pretend that he had found something. He thought he would impress them with his strength and his ability to take their lunch money and favourite things but he would never give them their things back. One girl in particular he especially picked on, though if truth be told he liked her most of all. It was extra hard for her because she didn't have many things to steal and when he had stolen them she didn't have any things. One by one they left, the girl last of all, hoping he might change his ways. Each time one of them did he would say “Ye will see I'll find treasure here for real, ye can be sure of that even if I'm still searching here until I'm one-hundred-and-three, ye'll see, argggh, ye'll see”. He said this when the first one left, he said this when the girl left and now he said it when he was on his own. In the fifty years since he grew grumpier for everyday he didn't find the treasure, and whenever a new generation of children came to play on the hill he would scare them off with his pirate talk, waving his shovel around like a sword.
One day he started digging holes randomly in hopes of stumbling across something that might have been deeper than the metal detector could detect. He had dug so far down that only his thin grey hairs stuck out above the top of the pit. Nothing had he found, but his ears discovered a new sound and as he turned around he saw a pair of bright eyes staring at him.
“Why I'll be darned, who you be peeking at, ye fluffy tailed plunder peeker!” For it was a rabbit that was staring at him. “I'll be thanking you not to be a'spying on me, or I'll catch ye and eat ye for me tea” he continued, and when the rabbit didn't move he leapt up out of the hole and started chasing the defenseless bunny, shovel in hand. “Come here, and fight like a man, I'll make ye walk the plank!”
The bunny was faster than the old man and disappeared down into a rabbit hole. The old man fell down face first as he tried to grab the rabbit. He failed and nearly got his face stuck in the hole. It was the first time he had seen rabbits in the field.
“Arrrrg, what be this, a whole warren, why they'll be stealing my treasure those thieving bunnies, why I'll get them I will.” He scratched his wrinkly old head which got twice as wrinkly when he got angry. “I'll find a way to get rid of them, why If I was rabbit myself I'd show them what for...”
He thought about this for a minute. “If I was a rabbit myself” he continued “why I could see what's deeper underground and maybe find the treasure I've been looking for, but how, how does a man become a rabbit?”
While he was lost in his thoughts, the weather began to turn a bit nasty. The wind started howling and the rain started falling and the old man started getting wet. His house was a good ten minute walk away and the woods were closer. He didn't normally go into the woods because rumours had it a witch lived there, and some teenagers too. The witch he wasn't too worried about but his shovel had stopped scaring the teens a long time ago.
It was getting dark fast and he ducked into the woods which were darker still and full of old knobbly trees, knobblier than the old man's knees. He could hear whispers in the darkness and he saw a fire burning ahead of him. With his shovel in one hand and metal detector in the other he approached with caution. As the warmth of the fire hit his face there suddenly appeared a sight so frightening, so terrifying, so unspeakably scary that he nearly fainted.
“Eek!” he eeked.
“Yo gramps what are you doing so far from home, did you get on the wrong bus?” said a greasy haired teen.
When the old man recovered from the shock he muttered something under his breath. A number of other vampire-like beings were sat around the fire.
“Bleergh, it be none of your business, now let me share your fire or you'll feel the back of me shovel”
The old man tried to sound threatening but he failed. The teenagers all turned and glared at him with their pale eyes that glowed in the dark.
“Eek, eek” double eeked the old man and turned and ran.
It had been quite a while since he had ran and his legs couldn't quite remember how to do it. He had run all of about five meters when he tripped over a tree branch and fell down a steep bank, head over bum, head over bum.
When he got up and brushed himself off, his metal detector and shovel were at the top of the hill.
“Curses!” he cursed.
Not knowing what to do he sat down on the ground and had himself a good cry. It was quite a sorry sight. The trees weren't the only ones who saw it. A cackle cacked from in front of him and as he raised his head he could see a hut made of branches and sticks and inside a fire was burning. The shadow of a dark figure was sat in front of the fire.
“Why you are the pansiest pirate I've ever seen” said the figure “now dry your tears and come in here”
“These ain't being tears” said the old man, still sobbing a little “it's raining and I like to look at the clouds when I walk”
“Whatever, whatever just come in”.
Walking into the hut, he noticed a cauldron hanging over the fire. There was a broom in the corner. The dark figure had a big warty nose and a crumpled black hat. Everything in the room screamed "Witch!", including a caged parrot hanging from the ceiling. There was a desk in the middle of the room with a computer on it. “That's a little odd" he thought.
“Oh you mean the computer” said the Witch reading his thoughts “yes you gotta be on the internet these days, I can give you my website address if you like.”
“Ye be fine there, now tell me why have ye bewitched me to come here, to put some kind of curse on me?”
“No not at all, I want to help you old man. Take a seat and we'll see what we can do for you.”
“This isn't going to cost me anything is it” he said as does every old person who is offered something for free.
“Only what you feel it's worth.”
He grumbled and took a seat in front of the desk.
“Now, a little bunny tells me you think you're a pirate” said the Witch.
“But I am a pirate”
“Yeah, yeah sure you are, sure you are. He also tells me you haven't had much luck finding any treasure”
“Well that be true, the plundering has been light of late. In fact I was just wondering that if I were a rabbit I might be able to dig further down, all the best pirates bury their booty at least six feet deep y'know. Being a rabbit would give me a distinct advantage”
“Is that so, well how would you like to be a rabbit?”
“Very much so” he replied, “I'm old and running out of time, this could be my last chance. How is it done, a potion, a spell?” he asked.
“Oh just like this” said the Witch and clicked her fingers.
He tried to say something but all he could do was twitch his nose. The Witch smiled.
“Happy hunting” she said and shooed him out the door with her broom.
The old man made the ugliest, greyest, crookedest bunny you ever saw. He had a lop sided hop, a weird wonky ear, and his eyes were different colours. The old man didn't care though and he hopped away quite happily. When he left the woods the sun was shining, he found the rabbit hole which he thought would be the doorway to a world of treasure.
Hopping along miles of muddy and dark tunnels he passed many rabbits who gave him an odd look. He worked his way deeper down, through tunnels and chambers but all he found were a few half eaten carrots and the odd mouldy cabbage. Feeling rather fed up he sat down and pulled his weird ears over his face, and curled himself up into a ball. It was bad time to do this as at that moment a group of young bunnies came bounding down the tunnel towards Old Man Bunny, propelling him down the tunnels like a marble through a drainpipe. He couldn't stop himself, but after a while the ground did. When he removed his ears from his eyes he couldn't believe them. There in front of him was a pile of gold, the likes of which he had never seen, not even in the movies. There were coins and crowns, sword and shields, everything he ever dreamed of finding.
He reached for the sack that he always carried around with him in case he ever found anything. It wasn't there. Then it began to dawn on him, however was he going to get the treasure out. Even the smaller coins were too much for a rabbit to carry. So he did the only thing he could do, he ate the gold coins. He might not have had his sack with him but his stomach was certainly big enough to carry a little booty. One... gulp, two... gulp, and so on until he reached the fifteenth coin. No more could his stomach hold and he was already starting to feel quite heavy. As much as it pained him to do so he decided he would have to leave and come back again another time.
It was quite a struggle back up the tunnels, going uphill with a belly full of doubloons and the further he got the more the tired he became. It was the most he had ever walked. All the other rabbits gave him some odd looks as he jangled along but Old Man Bunny didn't care he just carried on going. Eventually he saw the light at the end of the tunnel and he could hear the voices of children playing but he had no voice with which to shout at them. He struggled out of the tunnel, pushing himself with his hind legs, barely able to go another step. Eventually he collapsed in the middle of the children, ears looking weird, his belly looking like an overfull coin purse.
“Hey look Mr Bunny wants to play” was the last thing he remembered hearing.
“I've wasted my life” was the last thing he remembered thinking.
That was of course before he woke up, surrounded by hay and many faces staring at him through the window of a rabbit hutch.
“Look granny he's our golden goose, look at the present he left us this morning, I wonder if there'll be any more booty from his booty”
Old man bunny could see the child showing his grandmother a slightly brown, but nonetheless golden coin. He recognised the face, he knew the granny's face. It was the little girl he had bullied as a child, whose lunch money and favourite things he had stolen all those times and played pirate with.
“My word” she said “well this will be a great help, we can finally get the roof fixed and buy those new toys you children wanted. I hope you remember to play with him extra nice, for I think he needs a lot of loving.”
They did, and Old Man Bunny finally found what it was he was looking for, and it wasn't treasure but it did make him happy.
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